Tuesday, February 12, 2013

valentine's and life.

how to start this post? i have no idea. writer's block has taken over, so now a stream of my thoughts fills the page rather than a perfectly worded introduction. valentine's day is two days away. it is the season of love. i have become a pro valentine maker with the help of a group training at work where we made cards, and FHE. I harness my seven year old self as I grab the scissors and markers and try to come up with something slightly creative. i am a minimalist when it comes to making things- this makes for extremely boring valentines... but they are made with love and that is what counts... right?

today i missed devotional, after a bought of peer pressure from the other supervisors at work, to go and deliver valentines to the hospital. while sad I missed the devotional (which i will watch later), I was grateful for the opportunity to serve. I never know what to say as you hand them a card that you made for them. "I hope you feel better." "Happy Valentine's Day" it just seems so impersonal. These people are struggling with so much, whether it be surgery or cancer or a recent heart attack- their life has been shaken. As we walked around I somehow got lost in my mind. I am doctor phobic.. ie: I told my doctor I hated him when I was three, and the only way they let me go from the hospital was because a nurse had checked my vitals when I was asleep and I was okay- I wouldn't let them come close to me. I walked through the halls of the hospital thinking how wonderful it was what these doctors and nurses were doing. I thought of Becca in nursing school and was so proud of her. I thought about what I wanted to do with my life- how could I help? how could I make the world better?

Becca and I talked months ago about my life. About what I wanted to do, and the uncertainty that lies ahead. I graduate soon and with that comes so many unknowns. It is terrifying. I want to teach seminary which is full of unknowns, hope, and possible disappointment. What do I do if I don't make it through the extremely competitive process. What then? Becca mentioned that she had thought of doing something where she would be an emotional coach for children in the hospital. I brushed it off thinking of how much I hate hospitals, and how depressing it would be. At one point I wanted to do family therapy for families who had a member diagnosed with a terminal disease and how to be resilient through that- but once again those thoughts of the emotional taxation came to mind. How selfish am I? Today I couldn't help but think how wonderful that could be. To help kids who are struggling. So the research begins... how do I make that happen if Seminary Teaching doesn't work? I have no idea...

one more thing before i get off the topic of love... funniest thing ever.
switching topics.

I am in a positive living class. yes, that is right. a positive living class. best. class. ever. recently we talked about savoring. how we have to slow down and really enjoy the good things in life. it is so hard. I feel like my time is always spoken for. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed it is scheduled. I have a to-do list with everything I need to get done and the time I have to possibly get it done...But how awful is it to let those things pass by and not enjoy them in the moment. Basically my new goal is to find joy in everything I do.

I was thinking about this yesterday as I walked home from school. I ran into a friend who was stressed and just seemed bogged down. I thought of my life. The things in it that I wish were different. I thought about how I just wanted to fast forward until everything made sense. But as I thought of my friend I just wanted to tell him- you cant avoid the things you have to do, so you might as well enjoy it while you go. I then realized how dumb I was being in my own life. I was wishing it away. Rather than enjoying the moment I was in, I was looking forward. I wasn't taking time to savor my life. I wasn't having faith in the Lord's timing. I wasn't being patient.

Moral of the story. I learn the same lessons over and over again.

so happy week of love. tell those you love that you love them. smile at those you see walking by. and remember life is too short to just endure it- enjoy it.

ps i just read this talk- highly recommended.

Monday, February 4, 2013